What Dysthymia has done to my life?

Maybe for the most part, for now, I needed help or maybe I don’t. To be exact, me myself don’t even know what kind of help that I needed or did I really need help or I just lose the battle against myself?

That kind of question just like a cloud on a wonderful afternoon of myself. It just there. Just like the cloud, most people would ignore it. Some of them predict what gonna happened in the evening and some of them just wishing a bright night stars to submerged their despair.

Dysthymia hits me long before I know about depression or simply what I am having. As I could recall, maybe around I am 15 or something but it wasn’t that bad or maybe myself doesn’t seem to know what to do about it and just completely ignore it. As I’d reach around 23 years old, it started making an impact on my daily life, to my own soul, to the people that I talk to, and to the things I loved to do.

By the time I am at 25 years old, it finally hits me like no other; heavy sandstorm like never before. I’ve finally met a point of no return. On June 2018, I’ve finally commited the most stupidest thing on my life by committing suicide by tied a white-red ropes on my master bedroom celling fan. The rope tied nicely, making sure there is no more mistake that I could done. A kitchen table’s chair under the rope and celling fan, getting ready for another possibilities.

But I magically, I remembered my mom and my girl that I’ve have to pick up from college around 5PM in the evening.

The questions rises :-

“Who gonna take care mom? Even my dad growing older now.”

“Who gonna take my girl home and making sure shes homed safely? It is gonna be me.”

I’ve finally sat down at the kitchen table's chair, crying, silently alone in the room in that afternoon. I’ve lost all of myself. Everything in between. It was a pain, as I could remember that I wish I could swap to a physical pain that I can show to a doctor in order for him giving me meds.

I let it all out, alone. Letting it out by myself and making sure this is a kind of secret for my own self.

A day later, I forward myself to ER, and doctor diagnosed me as MDD. Hes giving me 2 kinds of meds, just to overcome it for like 4 days. I told my girl what happened to me but it seems she far of from understanding. No, it wasn’t say she doesn’t know or doesn’t care. But simply maybe she knows nothing if anything possible to help me out.

Life kinda on and off by that time but I honestly admit it was so hard and horrible inside my head. I kept working my daily job as I had to support myself, my girl, my apartment, pay my car loan and my personal spending and saving.

It was hard. It was a battle against my own depression, my own mood, my own sickness. I was in a total mess in my head but my physical life continue as usual. My face, I would say fake most of the time, just in order to be a normal human as I could get.

I leave photography exactly on 31 December 2016 due to depression. My depression creates a demon, a torn where I felt that photography was useless to me. Yes, it was lame and stupid but I felt that. Leaving it was the only option left. I felt unsupported. I felt, my works was a jackass, lame and stupid. Ugly, I must say. I sold everything, nothing for a keeper. I’ve uploaded all my raw files and developed images to the cloud and wishing I would comeback some more. But I didn’t until the day this writing.

What’s more I loose? I loose my girl. Around November, I finally decided, with this pain we gonna be simply ending. I have to take precaution. I mean, I was at a rate where I could slam my face into a wall with my car. My life doesn’t take up any value in my soul so how am I gonna make up a love for her? I supposed to love and calm her. I was the one who supposed to care and guide her. At those phase of my life, I simply couldn’t be saved; not even by myself. We decided to go away, a different path. I do it, for her own good. In that phase, if I took matters in my own hands, she wasn’t there. That’s fine for me rather than she being with me, it gonna swing her life a few degrees more into oblivion.

As for November, one major episode hit me and on mid-December, it hits me hard, again.

2 major episode happened in a short time. On that Decemeber, the doctor diagnosed me with PDD (Dysthimia) based on my past record. It was lost beyond repair.

By mid-February 2019, I’ve finally out. No meds, no journaling, no more meetups with the doctor. But the pain leaving me with a kind-soft whisper, “I am here.”.

I started loving again. Importantly, myself. Also a wonderful and sweet girl. I admit, it was hard to be in a situation that you feel loved but in the same time your pain and your situation doesn’t facing on you. I do my best anyway. But as the end of June 2019, it wasn’t meant to be just like I wanted to be. We go to our own way. It was harsh, I might say. But it wasn’t that bad. It is okay, it just stays there. Also, by the end of June, I finally quit my lovely job, back to hometown, leaving and wishing my bestfriends a goodluck, stranding my apartment empty – just took another path of life.

I slowly picked bit by bit of myself, again.

Along the way thru my depression, my family helps a lot. Financially and emotionally.

As the day of writing, I regain power over myself again; emotionally and financially.

But still, my pain hovers around my neck, clouding inside my head.

I took hiking as a medium to flows my pain but it seems it wasn’t doing any to me.

Long the way after I leave photography, most of the new shot was using a camera that I borrowed or simply burn money just to rent a gear to gain back my passion.

I’ve still skating, writing, and reading most of the time. Yes, coffee alongside me.

I kept loving the family and people that pull me up that accepted me the way I am.

I am trying to love a girl and feel loved by a girl again. I am almost there. No worries.

I kept on doing things, retrace some broken relationship between people, and friends that I’ve lost along the way.

I am maybe could keep on going, as functional as I am. As happy as I am.

But the pain still hits me harder than before. Like, they adapted to my situation and try wanna win me back.

One thing for sure, I will keep on going and if I ever took matters in my own hands, soon enough, I am sorry. Maybe, I’ve reached my point of no return where matters will be stupidly crazy, but what important is I’ve ended the pain.