• lament /ləˈmɛnt/ noun – passionate expression of grief or sorrow.

Late in the evening, his car entered the garage, properly parked – sideways off from usual pattern – by the side of his wife’s small red compact car. Tiredness swarms his entire body and mind. His work at the office for the past week heavy like never before. Mind consuming, mentally overpowered.

He’s got into the house using the doors at his garage, directly connected along the way to the kitchen hall. By this point, the kitchen table visible from afar. Walking with some paper bag full of groceries – he put it on the table. He sits, trying to catch a breath the end of his evening while his eyes wandering around his kitchen section. Simple and tidy. Yellow-colored. A bit weird color choices he might think but he couldn’t do much about it.

As his ears can catch, he heard his wife footsteps coming down from the first floor. It wasn’t concerning him much like a few years ago where the marriage is still new and blooming. Back then, his wife will wait for him in the living room with a hot tea, a novel on hands. Few kisses around his cheek to complete his evening as he arrived home. It was truly a pain destroyer by that point. But it was no more.

Sometimes he wonders, why did all change. All of his and his family life. Maybe because they have 2 kids already – they focus more on the kids. Maybe he is the one that changed, focusing more on the financial and economic of his family and got little to no time to care much to the family as he used to. Maybe simply his wife got less and less interested including a sex story and keep on going because of the kid’s future. It was such a scary reality he must consume. Things have changed. He wasn’t that ready.

“Coffee?” said his wife while approaching him at the kitchen. A soft touch land on his shoulder. Even with that light touch, all his heavy thought flows to the floor like a pile of water that you spill across the bathroom.

“It’s okay. I am fine.” He replied with a tired kind of smile with his head turns right to left looking at his wife.

His wife pulled the chair out from the table – sits in front of him. “The kids sleeping. Can we talk?”

“Yeah, sure. Have you decided?” He asked with his eyes looking at her wife. The look that he perfectly remembers – the look when he waiting she said ‘yes’ on the wedding day.

“I am leaving, honey.” As the words come out of his wife’s mouth, a deep breath taken and slowly exhale. “I am sorry.”

His perspective turns around the kitchen, again. Looking for nothing actually but trying to hold every bad emotion out from him. His left hand covering his mouth – like a model trying to express out cool posture for a magazine cover.

The story began a few months ago where he founds out his wife having affair as his sister told him. At first, he denying it just like all innocent men do. Then a few weeks later he talked to his neighbor while he watering the plant beside the garage on one weekend. Neighborhood and the busybody attitude never been separated since humanity learns to live on each other’s wall. At least for his situation, that kinda gossip giving him more information – able to burning his heart until all you could see is pitch black coal of man’s heart. At last, he sensed something. Something like telling him ‘God, your wife having some affair, dude.’

As the position of his life at the middle ground of everything, he truly denying it. But half of him trying to answer the most baffling question that raised.

After that two events, he called his wife while his wife took care of two of their little kids – sleeping.

“Tell me something I should know. I don’t mad. I promise you.” He said while both of the love birds sit beside the bed – with a yellow dim light flooding the scene.

“What do you mean, honey?” His wife’s forehead wrinkled, shocked by the question.

“Please.” He said while his left-hand touches lightly on his wife’s cheek and eyebrow. “Tell me. I will not mad. Not today, not now maybe. You know me the best man on earth holds my temper.”

“I know you do. But, honey, seriously, I don’t get what you mean.” She replied as her hand catches her husband off her face. “Is it about I overspend our house money?”

“No. Not that, baby.” He said then his left hand squeezed softly his forehead.

“Then what is?” his wife asked.

“Okay then. Tell me. Who’s that guy?” His eyes look deeply into his lovely wife. Not in a maddening mood but more to waiting for an honest answer. “I am not in a position that will hurt you or scream at you, for now. Tell me, tell me why, tell me how, no need to tell me in detail, or who that man was for you or how the hell you guys meet. Just tell me. Be honest to me. No games, no made up, no nothing and don’t cry. I want to hear from you, carefully. Don’t ask. I just knew it.”

“So you know.” His wife looked both of her soft small hands. A look of regret. She could maybe deny but looking into her husband’s reaction one thing was certain – he knew. A kind of look when you see death coming and nothing you could do rather than embracing it. “Hit me if you wanted to, I deserve it.”

“You know me all these years, baby. The only thing I harsh on you was in bed. As I could recall not even my voice ever slam your ears. I just wanted it to that way.”

“Lucky me. I just felt like a slut.” She was actually, out of words. Nothing on her mind that could assemble words to replied to her husband’s millions or maybe billions of dollar question.

“Answer me.” He’s trying to sound, more serious.

“I will hurt you.” She looking to her husband then back to her hands.

“You will never do, my lady.” Light touch land on her shoulder. A kind of words that if pictured correctly – like a lover trying to kill another lover with a silver revolver – only one must live.

Light and cold rain pouring that night at the same moment they both trying to figuring out what went wrong, how was everything, how could it happens and searching other heavy solutions. A situation about an act of disobeying the love oath and more vigorously is about the family with two small kids by the name of love within it.

She cried while explaining almost everything that she could to her man. The only man that by the time she realized, the one she truly loved. But it was too late. Just a little too late for her rejecting what happened or undone the damage. She carefully choosing words as the reality for now – more and more facts come out purely stabbing her man’s heart, with a wonderful regret on what she’s already done.

As she telling – she met that guy long ago. An ex-boyfriend of her in middle school. Like all answered prayers, they met. With a few light laughs on the coffee table, it turns into a blooming kiss on the bed. The thing never felt that wrong when in the mind just feeling heaven. Nothing seems so wrong if the other side not even knowing just yet. Nothing seems that bad as the mindset can’t even know a true priority of loving and loyalty – to one single soul. It was it.

As he heard it, he feels wanted to blow up. In his mind, he wanted to smash his head as more voice of regret coming from his wife but he remains calm as he does always. He knows he’s being tested. Man’s strength is tested – if he could bear the pain and not letting the monsters from deep within comes out like no man’s sky.

She’s doing a self-blame. She knows what she is doing wrong and asks for forgiveness. But as like all human does, he also got an ego. At least to be fed. He was maybe soft-spoken. The perfect man for all kinds of women, a dream husband per se but he as he is – not a forgiver. One wrong step, whatever it is, it is.

Love is always two ways street, he thought. Then what happens when it coming about three? It is no more, he thinks. Maybe some will argue you can love anyone no matter how many. But that’s a category of love. The love to a partner, to your mom and dad, to your kids and to the things that makes you full and happy.

He wonders, what he lacked. He was totally insecure, already. Thinking what the thing he got went missing or what thing that he gave less.

Night flows endlessly with a cry and a few selves lie. They trying to assemble a broken jar of love. But they both running out of gold glue. A kind of glue that Japanese people used when trying to fix a broken jar. Look beautiful if correctly worked out but none if applies to what happens to them.

Sometimes, things are not meant to be.

She is leaving while he is not forgiving.

“So that was it?” His sister asked.

“Really?” His other so-called sister of different blood, Serena, added to demand an answer.

“Well, the way I look, it just there.” He replied to both of them.

“I agreed if you leaving that woman, but in a way, it doesn’t destroy yourself, Brother.” Serena said.

They sat together at some fancy with a ridiculous coffee menu – a café in the middle of the city. It was past noon on that Sunday. Usually, the weather kinda striking hot but that day it was light rain since dawn. Perfect for family chill – if only three of them had one. Among them, he was the only one married with two kids. Well, divorced 3 weeks ago.

“You quit your job, you lost your wife, giving her the kids. Truly I wanted to know, what happened to you? Seriously. Is there anything we should know? Talk to us.” Serena ask. If only he is a true brother, maybe she would already give him a tight hug.

“I… I just don’t understand much about life or even myself anymore, anyhow. I just lost.”

He replied while his eyes wandering around the café. Sometimes he looked to both of his sisters. True as these past weeks, he just lost. Just be at home, half cried, doing nothing just like a robot the entire day.

“This is truly not you.” Serena said.

“You want me what? Giving her a chance you might say. If she loves me, if in her mind was our kids, if only she cared about the family in the first place then, that guy just another past for her. But it wasn’t. She said by her mouth and as I heard it clearly, she really into him. In her heart, there was me and him. For worst, it happens in bed together. Tell me if you didn’t do the same. Their relationship hanging for long ago. She just, don’t love to me, our kids or maybe just not that loyal. I got a lot of exes too. But none of it stays matter to when it over. I could maybe saw one of them linger inside there and order some stupid coffee as mine but none of it matters. Mine is here and she is there. Just, that’s the way it is. No revenge, no nothing just memories that I was with some exes before. That’s all. What I am trying to say…” he sounded more serious, heart burning deep within and his eyes started to cry but he simply can’t. There is no point wasting or maybe his ego-heavy enough for not doing so. “…I just loved her for god sake. I couldn’t bear if she having an affair in which she already did. I am thinking about my kids don’t even say I didn’t. I want to nourish them, grow them, educated them, be the best for them but it seems it was a different reality already. Planning just so be planning and dreaming just will be a daydream.”

“I heard you but you simply can take the kids and be the best for them.” Her sister recommended.

“She will win the kids. Always do. The court will never let the man hold the kids. That’s the reality. Maybe worst, I can take care of one and she gets one. But separating both of the kids seems too selfish” He responded.

“It’s a big deal. Be tough. We both here at any time of any day if you wanted to see us.” Serena added while reaching and do a soft touch to his left hand – stranded at the coffee table.

“I just wanted to go home.” He said. His heart mourns, silently.

For the most part, his home crumbles. His reality is nowhere to be perfect and chill anymore. People will just be said to be tough to be strong and moved on but by his thought simply people that giving that kind of advice is simply didn’t understand or maybe they out of the comfortable words to heal the wound – assemble back together with the shattered glass of his heart.

Home is the place where souls put and bound together on a set amount of time. Maybe a lifetime. He always believed strongly into that. Going back home with no people in it simply just another brick by brick assembled to make a structure just to protect you from harsh sunlight or heavy rain.

He purely lost. Word sad doesn’t even come close to explain what he truly feels.

He could easily find the guy that stole his happiness and slice his throat but it wasn’t a solution. For him, that just a temporary solution where actually if his wife truly loyal or simply love him and the kids, the day he was having didn’t exist.

He is not blaming her wife that much. He blamed himself. He seems to be that enough in any way, her wife just happily easily having an affair. Maybe affairs. But indeed, he just ‘that enough’. Not in a perfect way making her wife stays.

Just like another average man, he knows he’s not that perfect. These few years is such a wild reality from him. Which mean, the world punches him to the ground and every single time he’d drown and loose, he just came back and fight. He could do it all day as the day turns bad. But as normal as reality, not everyone would stay beside him at a long certain of time, he thought that way. He just wanted the person he truly loved to stay but it seems his situation already giving him any answers.

He is an avid over-thinker. A kind of person that thinks a few days about a weird plot of a novel, even in the bathroom. A person that could smile even his house burn down by fire but still could be positive and said ‘it’s okay, I could build a new one.’ But sometimes even a wrong pair of socks can throw him off the entire day.

He’s easily depressed in the mood. Taking sadness seriously. Not by saying that he is in clinical depression. No, far from that. But when the thing goes wrong or simply when a thing does not get to a certain level where he expected to be, he will be sad about it all night long. The worst part, he remains it to himself. Consuming the very self of him.

He knows who he was. He thought, maybe that the reasons why his wife turns cold to him and pretend everything fine while other man snatching her away. He could put full blame on her. He could say loyalty is the issue. But as he knows, over-thinkers overthink on stuff and he thinks many possible thoughts on why did his wife having affair.

A part of himself, convinced he didn’t lose anything but just dogging a bullet as his wife isn’t loyal, didn’t love him for the most part and if she does, then she would even think about another man. Why are you giving a face to a person like that?

A part of him also making the blame the way he took the reality and keep the pressure between himself and just pretend to be okay while he’s holding the pain to himself.

Half of him don’t even care because sadness drifted him away.

He went straight back home after seeing his sisters that day. His car parked just outside, on the side of the road with car door windscreen opened half, not even bother to close down in case of raining or thieves. Also, a red compact car also appears to be there but maybe someone else car. It wasn’t his concern anymore as mind purely lost in his own thought, lament and self-blame.

In his mind, all he could think was his wife, two of his kids, his home and nothing more. Actually, they were the only family that he got. He got no best friends besides his 2 sister – one of them, Serena wasn’t even his true sister.

Unlocked the door, he directly sits at his wife fav cozy sofa – white in color. Mostly made of fabric. A kind of sofa that’s fit anyone coming and have a short relax. But in his case right now, it was nothing comfort or relaxing anymore.

He wanted badly, to cry. But simply maybe not today, he thought. He knows he is in a pang of deep sadness and having a sense of loss but something that he didn’t understand making him not crying.

His eyes linger across his home while he remains seated. After that, a few moments later, he closes his eyes, rubbing his eyebrows with both of his hand. Trying to think about what to do, how to relax and just simply how to go on. In his mind also, vividly imagining the very future of him with technically no one by his side. A few times later, he imagining how to win everything back.

Overthink, over sorrow. It consumes him, at the very deep of him.

He proceeds to the kitchen, making a cup of black coffee for himself.

That’s the thing about coffee – no matter what kind of day that you’re in, serve it cold or hot, both ways work either to make you feel a bit self-worth or maybe in a different meaning, giving you a little a feeling of love.

He takes a little sip in his warm coffee. He walks to the master bedroom, leaving the drink behind. He heard something upstairs in the room. Something like people throwing off stuff to the wall and running around the entire floor.

He made himself to the first floor, the sound getting clear, there is something, someone.

Cold bare feet standing as he could see. Looking right at him in a bit shocked. Like any daydream, his kids, two of them silently focusing on playing a set of big Lego and train toy on the corner of the master bedroom. It was them, his wife and kids.

“Baby?” He asked. “You forgetting something?” He assumed. Maybe his wife forgetting to take something before off his home weeks ago.

“No, I don’t. I just come back home.” She replied.

His forehead wrinkled.

An ‘okay’ would be a perfect response to his wife at that time he thought. But he silent it and trying to walk downstairs. At the exact moment his wife run across the room, catching his left hand, turns him around and hugging him from behind. A kind of hug if something got to board a plane but you hardly leaving them.

“I am sorry. For this time. I am truly sorry, for my mistake, for everything. I loved you. Always did. It is not me these few months and I get confused.” She said in the hug.

He letting the tight hug off, softly.

She continues. “Mad? Maybe. What I am trying to say is, this is truly not me and you. This is not us. I believed we are something more. One thing for certain that I love you. I should stay and it always is like you to our family, to me. I am sorry if you felt all of these one way. I know. Forgive me, Honey. I wanted to stay, for you. I will stay, for us.” She said half cried while looking at her husband with a wonderful regret tone voice.

He replied with a soft forehead kiss to his lovely wife between the eyebrows.

He’s finally back home.

The End.