Kifarah, atau mungkin kami berdua salah faham.
My friend was here. Stay the night in my room. Like other typical young man in a deep conversation about reality and stoned heart, and he talk about past relationship in his entire lifetime.
In the end dia sedar things about kifarah. Because he admit that he simply gone, kill the feeling & just replacing the love because ‘ye la sapa tak nak cantik?’ As the time he told me,
“Nah, rupanya kena balas ba ni.”
He said to me there was one girl that so perfect to him. Mungkin parasnya serdahana dan tiada langsung manusia lain terfikir ingin memilikinya selain dia. Tidaklah sempurna mana dia kata, tapi ada aura — barangkali. But as normal human lebih-lebih lagi lelaki, an affair will emerged between.
He simply don’t even realized. He’d dumping and replacing her, he must to admit.
By the time, di tengah perbualan tidak langsung kami, “Tu la ba aku, tau la kalau cantik kenak jauh lagi GFku.”
I just can’t giving any possible response as myself blank into my own void but it is not that I didn’t heard his thought and expression. Kosong tapi tidaklah aku endah sedikit pun perkataan yang lancang keluar dari mulutnya.
Apa yang aku boleh kata, that’s a part of being human maybe ; doing mistake.
That’s why wujudnya permintaan manusia yang menjangkau realiti : ‘kalau boleh ku undur masa.’
Maybe I would recall briefly his story that particular night.
He was 20 at that time. Maybe 18, 19, 22, aku tak ingat. Aku tak take note.
He met just a so-so girl (yang aku describe tadi) and he also so into her at that time-frame. The relation goes well until there is a certain day that they had a big fight — silent treatment. Like other innocent man do, he seeks others. Like who the hell doesn’t? “Kau tahu la ba lelaki.” tambahnya.
Like other human heart, it was so easy to fly and land onto other heart branch. He’s leaving that girl. Yes, the very girl that he loved. How could you might say? I didn’t know either. I am still, looking for an answer until this very point of writing.
As you could guess it, that new girl he got from his affair tu kan, wasn’t much a keeper.
Well, building something out of person’s misery never been a bless, he said at this point, sounded like that. Dia takkan la cakap inggeris, aku saja mendramatikan keadaan.
But, at that point he just another asshole guy. Mengaku terus dia. He doesn’t realized yet, maybe.
He goes single mode few months and fall some more. Like other relationship goes, they were happy and get going like no force can stop them. Like a thunder storm.
Yet, that girl totally misery as time goes one. Not understanding, jealous at point that he couldn’t stand, maddening at a point he can’t hold. They lost a way to solve or fix the relationship.
He goes single mode again.
He met a lover again, and as you could guess it, it doesn’t last that long. It goes like 9 years and he doesn’t realized he was eating his own mistake. He wasn’t that aware.
“Wasted.” Dia kata. Kali ini betul, dia cakap inggeris dengan aku.
By this point, he met me. Well, a bestfriend of mine I would call. By the point of this writing, yang aku boleh ingat, he said “Tu la ba aku. Kena balas ba ni semua. Karma, bosku.”
‘Karma? Bukan. Kifarah.” balasku, cuba sedikit memperbetulkan akidahnya yang sebenarnya aku pun sedikit bengkok kadang kala.
He kept on swearing and a bit of “Ya rabbi.” He finally knows. He was living his entire mistake for 9 years.
Single to another single. Relationship to another relationship. He jumps and by the day it was too late, 9 years passes the best girl he ever met, he finally resolve his own puzzling life. Baru padan mukanya curang dulu.
I personally think that this kind of retaliation occurs not just in partnership. But also to other kind of relationship.
A friend to a friend.
A son to his dad.
A seller to a customer.
Human to another human.
Maybe you to the cat.
We human, simply egocentric. Admit it for godsake. We all do. Thinking just us so damn inportant one none to others. Yes, in the end the important person in the end is you as they said. But will you living in a peaceful mind without a bless? From God and human will?Will you eat to an effort of others? How about your act tu sebenarnya too selfish? Egocentric. Dalam mode sedemikian rupa, mana kita ingat apa orang sudah buat.
How about things in a company stand point? Bos makan besar, tak fikir pekerja di bawah. Bos kaya, gaji kecik untuk orang bawah.
How about jual beli? Memahalkan harga? Riba.
Yes, kadang ia tidak dicerminkan atau erti kata lain, tidak di balas secara 2 hala.
Ada kala A di balas A. mungkin A di balas F. Mungkin aku sudah terlalu keliru pada saat ini.
Kadang, kita susahkan orang hari ini, orang susahkan kita di kemudian hari. Vice versa.
Kita senangkan orang. Esok lusa, orang senangkan kita pula.
Bagaimana kalau kita bercakap soal hubungan tanpa restu ibu bapa misalnya. Perkara yang sama akan berlaku barangkali.
Jarang rasanya bahagia tanpa restu mak bapak.
Jarang rasanya bahagia dari hubungan si suami curang.
Jarang rasa hebatnya cinta dari isteri yang di rampas.
Mungkin hari ini kita sakitkan hati jiran sebelah. Tuhan pula balas dengan tayar pancit 2 biji di tengah jalan raya. Ambil kau. Tayar spare sebiji. Terpaksa la kau call orang untuk bantu kau. Dah tu waktu tu tengah hari, dan kau bersendirian di lebuh raya yang sudah sesak akibat kesusahan kau.
Maybe all of this doesn’t make sense.
Mungkin bukan kifarah tetapi karma. Tapi sebagai muslim. Karma itu pegangan dan pandangan yang jauh sekali dari landasan.
We, being as human. I guess it is a point of normality, kita — lama baru sedar apa silap kita. Sometimes sampai waktu sudah di timbus tanah, ia belum lunas.
By this point, my friend doing nothing just knowing all of this. Regret, ‘menyesal bosku’ bahasa melayunya.
Maybe, berpunca atas perkara lain — bukan soal kifarah.
A bit denying — “Ah, mungkin bukan ba ni kan?” Dia cuba sedikit menangkan hati sendiri. Pada aku, aku sendiri binggung.
“Kali, memang situasiku begini.” Tambahnya.
Aku hanya mampu senyum. Sudah aku kata aku blank.
Well, I don’t know much about it, at entire time.
