I am so sorry, for myself…

They do talk about marriage a lot. It feels like they slowly, silently, resiliently pushing toward the edge.

For the most part, they were pushing me at the exact right time for a normal modern human. I’ve passed my mid 20 and there’s nothing bigger forward other than that. Makes money, do the things we loved to do, be passionate about something and what’s next? Either it will be marrying or dying.

But I just couldn’t be following along that line just because I have to.

I wasn’t ready; emotionally. That’s all.

I couldn’t be inside a marriage relationship and knowing I will wake up every single morning – depressed, unsupported, jellies like body and unstable mind. I don’t care it happens to me though. I go through it years and years and more years ahead; I just worried about my future partner. I worried about the future of the relationship and the family.

If she’s a strong woman, she needs to be triple than that. If she loves me, she needs to double that. If she faithful along this time she need to be hundred more forward. And along that line, I wanted her to love herself, more than she could because there’s a fine orange evening where I couldn’t be there even for myself.

I honestly couldn’t see any possibility for myself. I’ve lost the love towards myself, to people around me, to the family, to everything that I used and loved to do. I didn’t care about anything, the only thing that I could care is that I didn’t care about anything. It worries me, a lot. It feels like the toes already entering a possible death. I am so sorry, for myself.