Adequately, I hardly interpret.

For the most part, I want myself back. Adequately, I hardly interpret what was myself back then, a few years ago but I dauntlessly acknowledge that this is not me, this not actually me.

It is sounded like crazy. I know, I know.

Let me tell the truth, seriously, I am tired; of everything that revolved around my neck and I reckon this is not sadness, loneliness or maybe clinical depression. I am not even less on money or love or feeling less affection from people or myself.

It is just, tired.

I am sorry, for you that reading this because this zine kinda likes sad and sounded like depressing but it truly is.

I don’t know if I needed help or what. I just don’t even get the sense on the idea of living.

I am filling myself with the thing I love to consume; coffee, plain cold water and whatnot.

I am filling myself, time alone; reading, research on things I would like to know and explore, photography, making money and pay my cars and buying my shits.

Skating on a part of my time if I get bored or hang out with friends and the kids. Hike a different terrain almost once a week just to off this terrible feeling of mine once a while.

I love my moms and sure my amazing powerful dad. I love my brothers, my sisters, all the entire lineup of my family either they are within reach, or they are far away as we both side just looking at each other via cold screens of us. They all amazing in such a way, they are there for me. The connection between all of us getting deeper, more than before and I do grateful about that.

I love my friends and all the people that I cared about.

But, it doesn’t cut it. No matter how far I hike up or how many people alongside me, no matter what love what shits around me — I purely wanted dying, to be honest, and I am sorry for myself for feeling that.

I am sorry.

To those reading this, thank you. If one fine day I go away, taking a thing out from my own bare small hands, find an answer for me.

Because I truly, don’t even have the idea.

Help me.

Faiz Abidin.

727AM, 26TH September 2019.