12:30PM 11th October 2019

I literally can’t even bare the pain inside my head. It is like a war, a painful war where men dies for nothing and nothing more killing women and children rather than looking their men brutally killed.

I might say this is crazy. But for the most part, the pain, this pain is me, the very me that consume me inner and internally.

Help me.

It was sad but not too much. It was happy and I know for god sake it was fake. It was lame to the highest point. I mean, I hardly understand what the feeling I am having, what things that I do right now.

If wasn’t that suicide really put a big red marker to my family faces, I would already long gone. I am telling you now, I am simply living and loving to the best that I am just so people would looked at me normal and liveable. But the truth is, I am not.

I am skating, doing so much for love, doing so much for family and friends, I’m having favorite coffee and few much more that fill up my stomach. I am driving a long ass haul road, I’d hike up into certain unknown terrain. I make money, gain money and pay my shit and whatnot. I am eating the best dishes as it was the last dishes that I’ve ever had in that moment. I am having beautiful moments.

BUT ALL OF THIS, NONE OF THIS CURE THE PAIN OR SIMPLY WASHED AWAY BIT BY BIT.

I am sorry, truly sorry. For my friends, for myself, for lovely one.

I couldn’t bare it any longer than I could.

But still, I’d keep on going.